Tonight, I leave.

Tonight, I leave, but only for one week,
to wrap my mind around this world
that I can't very well see from where
I am standing right now.

This ground that is below me is dirt.
I've stood here before, it's nothing special,
in fact I don't like like one bit, it's hard.
I want to walk somewhere that has grass.

Before I leave, I face one obstacle,
but it isn't in my way because
I placed it there myself,
and I want it to be there.

Still, Im nervous, I don't know what's to come.
I don't feel prepared, and I might tense up.
Exactly the reason, God is Always with me.
The way through him is hard, but the reward is eternal.

Broken Lantern

Confusion isn't the right word, because it's so much more then that. Life changes and things happen that make my mind crash and burn over and over agin until all thats left is a pile of ash sitting on the ground, blowing around in the wind, all over everybody's yards, porches, cars, driveways... My body is weak to this mess, it doesn't treat me the way it used to, back when I thought I had my whole life in order, back when I could still look into my future and see what was to come. Where did it all go? I want to fish out my future, and hold onto it, and make sure nothing happens to where I loose it again, or make it fuzzy. Fear isn't the right word, because it's so much more then that.

Revolution At Last

I will fight and put my life down,
for the same reason I am meant to be alive.
The gates will open,
My name will be called,
light will blind my eyes and they will be reopened,
and all I will see will be good.
These days are numbered,
but eternity lasts forever, and I will be there.
Give me the strength oh Lord,
to fight what is against me
and to overcome over evil.

You're Not Cool

As sweat drips from my face,
I think of you, and your cold hands,
and I stab at you, over an over,
but you're too strong, you fend me off.

I want to rip your head off,
I want you to be gone forever,
not just when I'm feeling sad.

One day, when this is all over,
I am going to kill you.

Words can't describe
the pain you will feel,
when the army I fight for
goes to battle with you.

You sit and watch me suffer,
and it's what you want.
You laugh in my face as
and feed off my tears.

Get away from me you rotten
dark, evil, thing.
I want nothing to do with you.
Go home, leave me alone.

I have more then you know.
More strength, more courage.
Your hands can't touch me,
because I have the stronger team.

Pain

Pain will never leave us.
Pain will never like us.

It will always hurt us.
It will always take us down.

But pain is one of two choices.
The other being life.

I want to live.
And I know you do too.

I 'm stuck between a rock and a rock.
Where do I go from here?

God wants to help me,
but my ears are closed.

God wants to help you
but your ears are closed.

Trying

my mind wants me to try
but that will only set me up for failure
and my heart just wants me to do it
so i am no longer going to try
i am going with my heart on this one

Not Done

I'm chopping down trees with my bare hands,
not getting much yet, I wont fret, just bet me,
any other time I would say your a goner,
Trying to flip coins through another's point of honor.

Behold

I have nothing that changes before the face of God,
for where I am known, I am found,
and when I am lost, the sky trembles with pain.
The eyes of the almighty are granted to me,
and I am able to see, love and peace are within me.
Blood from my wrists turns into water,
fed to the poor, and the helpless,
my scars become maps, and my experience light.
Regret and guilt are spread like butter over my mind
but my heart attacks back with higher power,
for he lives within me, and I am not afraid.
I will no longer fear the threats and the temptations.
My jealousy will be hurt, for I will laugh at it,
say it is no longer welcome in my life.
Awakened within me is something new that cannot loose,
With the strength of the lord on my side,
all opposers may be vanquished into dust.

lets give it another go.

What do I deserve?
Anyone who I've recently talked to knows the answer to that.
They tell me, Landon, You'll be okay, everything is alright.
But deep down in all of your hearts you know exactly what I deserve.
And I know it too...

I don't deserve God
I don't deserve friends
I don't deserve life.

I've screwed up big time, and I can't take any of it back.
Where am I leading myself?
In what direction am I going?
Am I by myself?
Does anyone know how to help me?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and he will make your path straight.

How?

How?

What If i fail again, how can I trust in the Lord, that seems like such a hard thing to do?
In three days, I am signing up for classes at a Christian University to become a Youth Minister.
And I don't even know if I can trust God.
I'm not ready.

There has got to be something more to all of this madness.
Something deep down that I haven't found yet.

GOD GIVE ME THE ANSWER, HELP ME OUT OF THIS MESS!!

How can God forgive and forget?
Why can't I forget?

Why can't I rewind time two months ago and take all of it back?

I'm scared of living, scared of what might happen next, what I might do to someone else.
I'm scared of myself, I'm trying so hard to live my life.
I'm trying so hard to Trust Gods plan for my life.
I WANT IT!
I NEED IT!

God be with me today.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for the Lord, My God, is with me.

oil change

I'm a cop so give me that oil change.

How Many Lives

How many lives will I hurt?
How many lives will I burden?
How many lives will I stress out?
How many lives will I annoy?
How many lives will I bother?
How many lives will I confuse?
How many lives will I embarrass?
How many lives will I get in the way of?
How many lives will I scare?
How many lives will I worry?
How many lives will I ruin before i feel good again?

I need to help everyone else before I help myself.

BVC 1.1

Water, dripping, noiseless,
feeling new, trapped,
it evaporates, the sun, killing,
giving life.

Goodmorning.

It's not even noon,
and I feel what is coming.
My mind is in a war,
the pain is numbing.
My thought's won't rest,
as much as I try,
I want so bad,
for today, not to cry.
It's going to be hard,
the grip is so strong,
I'm trying to believe,
how I'm acting is wrong.
I'm being so selfish,
my heart is so weak,
I'll trust in the Lord,
and I'll find what I seek.

Fallen Tree

I felt like a fallen tree today.

Lifeless, useless, worn out, old...

For some reason my thoughts always seem to get the best of me; my mind wanders and thinks things it shouldn't, it lets me believe things that deep down I know are not true.  It's plays tricks on me, telling me one thing, then telling me the opposite.  My heart and my mind are at war, and it's ripping the rest of me apart.

So I decided not to sit around, not to sulk and let my mind wander, not to waste my life away in my house and wish things were different.  So I grabbed my longboard, put it in my car, and started driving out to the state park.  The grass smelt good, freshly cut, it singed my nose, and all of the allergies it was enemies with, but I couldn't stop breathing in the fresh country air, there is no way I was turning on the air conditioning and rolling up my windows.

I never really go out and do things on my own.  I guess I enjoy the company of other people, even if they are mean or sarcastic sometimes, I feel like having someone with me lets me know I'm not alone, not only in a physical matter.

I pulled into the parking lot of the state park, took my longboard out and began to ride it down a two lane bike/walking path.  My mind still had its hold on me, still ripped me apart, my mind was still bashing me with thought of my life, what was wrong, what I wasn't doing, who I wasn't helping.  My mind lies to me.  It tells me things that aren't true and it scares me.  I don't think logically, rather I let my emotions take control of me.

I came across this path that led into the woods and down towards the river.  I walked it slowly, holding my board, not really knowing where I was going.  I made it to the river and right next to me was a fallen tree.  The tree was halfway on land, and halfway over the water.  I leaned my board up against the tree and jump on top of it and sat down.  I slid out to the end of the tree and dangled my feet above the water below.  Bugs were everywhere, crawling all over the tree, all over me.

I looked down, under the tree, but back behind me, and saw a squirrel run underneath it.  I leaned over to look some more and saw three or four baby squirrels eating what it's mother had brought them.

On top of the tree, moss was growing, there was tons of it, it drooped down over the side.

I looked out into the river, looked to my left and could see people fishing about a half mile down stream, I looked to my right and all I saw was river that continued on forever.

I began thinking about how I felt like a fallen tree, lifeless, useless,

but the tree I was sitting on didn't seem very useless at all to me.  It was the home to hundreds of small animals.  It was the foundation for plants to begin a new life.  It was a chair for worried, confused people to come sit on and think about their lives.

Even though I feel like I have died, there is something more for me.  I may no longer be standing tall, letting the sun hit the top of my leaves, but I'm a foundation for some other form of life.  I will help something else, and I will not die out.  

Time.  Patience.  Time.  Patience.

Sooner or later, I'll look back and ask, why wasn't I living life?

But until then, 

Patience is my enemy.

Patience Is My Enemy

I'll  be home soon, 

but patience is my enemy.

I'll be fine soon, 

but patience is my enemy.

I'll love soon, 

but patience is my enemy.

I'll see where I'm going soon, 

but patience is my enemy.

Patience is my enemy, 

but it's something I want, so I will fight for it.

I'm sorry.

If I have placed a burden on you, 

I am sorry.

Wait

There's a strange thing going on in my heart, 

that says I'm going where I should be going, 

but my head is telling me everything is wrong.

I'm in a spiritual war, and patience is my opposer.