Fallen Tree

I felt like a fallen tree today.

Lifeless, useless, worn out, old...

For some reason my thoughts always seem to get the best of me; my mind wanders and thinks things it shouldn't, it lets me believe things that deep down I know are not true.  It's plays tricks on me, telling me one thing, then telling me the opposite.  My heart and my mind are at war, and it's ripping the rest of me apart.

So I decided not to sit around, not to sulk and let my mind wander, not to waste my life away in my house and wish things were different.  So I grabbed my longboard, put it in my car, and started driving out to the state park.  The grass smelt good, freshly cut, it singed my nose, and all of the allergies it was enemies with, but I couldn't stop breathing in the fresh country air, there is no way I was turning on the air conditioning and rolling up my windows.

I never really go out and do things on my own.  I guess I enjoy the company of other people, even if they are mean or sarcastic sometimes, I feel like having someone with me lets me know I'm not alone, not only in a physical matter.

I pulled into the parking lot of the state park, took my longboard out and began to ride it down a two lane bike/walking path.  My mind still had its hold on me, still ripped me apart, my mind was still bashing me with thought of my life, what was wrong, what I wasn't doing, who I wasn't helping.  My mind lies to me.  It tells me things that aren't true and it scares me.  I don't think logically, rather I let my emotions take control of me.

I came across this path that led into the woods and down towards the river.  I walked it slowly, holding my board, not really knowing where I was going.  I made it to the river and right next to me was a fallen tree.  The tree was halfway on land, and halfway over the water.  I leaned my board up against the tree and jump on top of it and sat down.  I slid out to the end of the tree and dangled my feet above the water below.  Bugs were everywhere, crawling all over the tree, all over me.

I looked down, under the tree, but back behind me, and saw a squirrel run underneath it.  I leaned over to look some more and saw three or four baby squirrels eating what it's mother had brought them.

On top of the tree, moss was growing, there was tons of it, it drooped down over the side.

I looked out into the river, looked to my left and could see people fishing about a half mile down stream, I looked to my right and all I saw was river that continued on forever.

I began thinking about how I felt like a fallen tree, lifeless, useless,

but the tree I was sitting on didn't seem very useless at all to me.  It was the home to hundreds of small animals.  It was the foundation for plants to begin a new life.  It was a chair for worried, confused people to come sit on and think about their lives.

Even though I feel like I have died, there is something more for me.  I may no longer be standing tall, letting the sun hit the top of my leaves, but I'm a foundation for some other form of life.  I will help something else, and I will not die out.  

Time.  Patience.  Time.  Patience.

Sooner or later, I'll look back and ask, why wasn't I living life?

But until then, 

Patience is my enemy.